Following the Heart: of Wishes and Foibles
It has been almost two years since I started my graduate work with Michigan State University’s College of Education. At the time, I was suffering from a pervasive sense of stagnation with my employment and life situation. Everything was well, yet I knew I had to do something more. With no official teaching background and equipped only with the desire to reconnect with a long-harbored dream, I applied to the Master of Arts in Education program. My goals then were to focus on the Literacy Education Concentration since it focuses on teaching writing, speaking and listening skills during elementary schooling. I have always loved teaching children when I did so in a volunteer capacity, and becoming a teacher was my dream. I also knew a Master’s degree would increase promotional chances within my own Department if all else fails. However, sometimes the Universe conspires, and the Admission Board suggested that I focus my studies on the P-12 School and Postsecondary Leadership Concentration instead. The rationale behind the suggestion was because I was already working in a leadership capacity, and if I had wanted to stay within my own Department it would be a more sensible path toward advancement. Either way, I would achieve the underlying goal of having a higher education degree in my arsenal.
After some reflections, I made an amendment to my goal statement, but decided that I would still pursue the Literacy Education Concentration. Looking back, it was probably out of stubbornness that I did so, because after two semesters taking courses in that concentration, I found that I had little interest in the materials. I always hoped that I knew myself, but sometimes others have better insights, and it was so in this case. I shifted my focus and my goals entirely, and with the shift came uncomfortable revelations, new-found aspirations and constraints. If nothing else, this program has taught me more about myself and the way I should be interacting with the world around me, more than the thirty-plus years prior have. I realized that I do have ambitions and that means I must forsake the easy comfort of what I already know and already capable of doing. I realized that even though I have always loved teaching and the notion of teaching, I have outgrown that dream in the years of working for the Department of Corrections.
I realized that the insistent recommendations that I should be working in a capacity that promote change on a more systematic level are valid, and that I do possess skills that can contribute towards organizational changes. Working my way into the administrative levels of higher education is going to be an uphill battle, and it isn’t financially feasible for me to start over, so I must work my way up the administrative chain within my own Department and perhaps one day move laterally. I have always resisted working in administrative capacities, but as the nature of change is like a flood, and as I near matriculation, I feel its pull. I wake up now to pondering thoughts of the nature of managerial work, the nature of adult learning and teaching adults to learn and adapt to changes, and how I’ve learned and adapted over the years. There, is a tremendous challenge, and I accept.